Finished watching Waiting for Godot on YouTube, a play I often think about. Particularly during these endless grey, confusing, inscrutable days.

Resolved to rent an apartment and get a job. Applied haphazardly and desperately for some dry drudgery. Squandered time.

Never allow yourself to stand still long enough to see your own insignificance nor the irrelevance of your hopes and dreams! Immerse! Don't drift loose, entangle yourself with pressures and responsibilities and demands!

Having a child is a muderous act, condemning a life to death. And yet no one will seriously countenance such a thought; it goes against society, nature, custom. But it's true! Incommunicability of an idea that no-one wants to hear. The evolutionary advantage towards not comprehending the bleakness of the human condition.

Have you not done tormenting me with your accursed time! It's abominable! When! When! One day, is that not enough for you, one day he went dumb, one day I went blind, one day we'll go deaf, one day we were born, one day we shall die, the same day, the same second, is that not enough for you? They give birth astride of a grave, the light gleams an instant, then it's night once more.Samuel Beckett - Waiting for Godot

Cambridge and the numerous obligatory cafes and restaurants. Supporting my friend in her interviews for university; hopes and dreams and future promise. Must recapture mine and not be the bitter curmudgeon I default to. Need a plan for the future! Need a life.

London to Suffolk, no energy to do anything much at all after spending a night on yet another sofa.

London for a house party, where the middle class observes itself and finds that all is well.

Thought I was having a bad day because I lost my biggest client, then my friend told me her dad is dying and might not last the weekend. Unreal, incomprehensible. Puts perspective on the miniscule fluctuations of normal life.

My great Aunt is in hospital, which, as she says, doesn't appeal very much to her.

Need to stop being arrogant and selfish and avaricious. Need to get my principles right and do something about it. All talk no substance.

More dreadful daubing. Hard being bad at what you want to succeed at. Want to give up every day!

Enfeebled by influenza and the effort of having to do some work. Making myself concentrate on one thing is like trying to tame wild horses. Things that should take a few hours take all day because I distract myself and get hung up on trivial matters.

Didn't get offered the job, ruined another painting. Don't know what I'm supposed to be or do.

Spent a long time researching Philosophy Masters. It's a recurrent desire that crops up every year or so. Ordered a lot of books from various reading lists.

Worked on yesterday's portrait, changing but not improving it, alas.

Don't know why I haven't done my work or my washing or looked at cars; instead I just sit and play Tetris for hours at a time.

Aware that I am a dilettante, a pseudo-intellectual, art-dabbling jack-of-all-trades. Would love to be a master artist, author or practising sage, but I'm too flighty, non-commital and lazy to direct my attention to any one thing.

That said I did manage a good burst of painting today, and ended up with something that is at least not wholly hideous.