Day 0148

Felt much better this morning, invigorated with a feeling of energy and potential. I went out and about but couldn't find an outlet for it. I should have jumped into the wind-blown waves, but instead sat on the sidelines like usual. Went into Fira and wandered around aimlessly. Looked enviously at all the happy couples.

Fed up of being passive! Never do anything for myself, always relying on others. Take buses rather than drive, do everything online rather than in person, let external forces dictate what I do rather than make decisions for myself. I want to be active in life not just a marginal figure that flits from place to place and from one thing to another.

...there is no greater glory for a living man than that which he wins with his own hands and feet.Homer - The Odyssey

I never compete with people or challenge myself, and shy away from new experiences. I'm afraid of failure and stop things halfway. I lived in Italy for two years and never learned the language properly. I started learning to drive then just stopped. I dream up plans for bettering myself as a person then fritter my free time away, even though I have so much of it.

I want a girlfriend and I want to be the kind of person she'd be proud to introduce to her family and friends. At the moment I feel like I'm too divorced from reality. I certainly feel very alienated from all the tourists running around the island (and the locals in the service industry fueling their dream/delusion), and I have the sinking feeling that they are both representative of normality.