Day 0260

Car ride with father to the bus station, hour-long bus to Cambridge to spend money maintaining an image of middle-class comfort having brunch on a hotel balcony in the sun, hour long bus back, driven home. Felt awfully ersatz, like a try-hard trying to impress someone.

Long shadows over ploughed fields and stubble. Dark green hedges, ivied oaks and yellow-brown fields. All industrialized, money-making monocultures that look benign, picturesque.

Stress of mum being here, wanting to play happy families.

I always live in a counterfactual reality, imagining infinite opportunity is just around the corner, that beautiful houses, nice cars and stable marriage is my right and that they will more or less fall at my feet. Jealousy, envy of all my friends who have these things so naturally and contentedly.