Day 0305

Struggled supremely with myself today. Couldn't get out of bed, felt fatigued, low-spirited, exhausted. Frustrating driving lesson, where I made the same errors of judgement I always make, and perpetuated the problem by getting annoyed at myself and making more slips.

Need something to go right, a concrete win to give me some self-respect. Goodness knows I'm not going to get any from my art, which is a nightly reminder of my own limitations. Can scarcely comprehend the quality of real works of art when I look at them online and in my books. There are so many endless examples of skill, design, sensitivity that my studies make me sick to look at. Like everything in life, I shouldn't compare; if I didn't know what was possible and what so many others have achieved I would be blissfully ignorant and extremely content with my efforts. Still, twiddling about with clouds is somewhat therapeutic when I get down to it, so whilst the result is garbage the exercise in itself wasn't wholly futile.

Failed to go for a walk, failed to do any of the work I have on. Typed up some quotations from the popular science books I've been reading and then wrote a little script to format and organize some of my personal notes. Both unnecessary tasks gave the much-needed sense of purpose and achievement that has been so lacking recently. Again the product may be pointless, but the process itself becomes the purpose.