Day 0318

Walking through cut-grass, leaf-littered parkland I realised I have aneasthetised myself to my own incredible good fortune, always seeking reasons to look beyond it.

I have freedom; no responsibilities that I can't jettison, enough money to travel the world or quit work and live comfortably for several years, multiple houses that I can stay in indefinitely (the benign parasite that I am), and nothing but time, youth, good health and sufficient numbers of attractive acquaintances to be able to live in perpetual hope and expectation of an ill-advised liaison. It's actually quite delicious when I stop and consider it from someone else's perspective.

Living it is a different matter. The tiniest things mushroom into overwhelming dread that occludes all else; parking the car, getting a missed call from a client, feeling a neurosis stir.