Day 0363

Did four hours of painting and realised how counter-productive my daily routine has been. Leaving art to the last thing in the day and only doing an hour so a day has been a lazy, non-serious and non-committal attitude. Next year I am going to significantly increase my output. I have so much to learn and have only just started to paint. Despite self-identifying as an artist I still have no finished work. I have an artist's temperament and that is all.

Started listening to Dostoyefsky again, which is a tonic.

Skyped my ex and saw how miserably alone and cut off from humanity I am. Resolved to go to my mum's tomorrow for Christmas, against my better judgement and reversing the position I have spent weeks fortifying.

Need also to stop being so desperately earnest and in fact get over myself. But I feel like I'm hanging by a thread to normality and don't know how to effectively reentenangle myself. Oblitetation through alcohol was the method of choice for me a couple of years ago. Need to crush the misanthrope within but haven't the energy.