Day 0385

Surge of exaltation after my day painting. I'm being honest to myself, I'm working hard and I'm pushing through the difficult days. It's heading in the right direction. I'm motivated by the upward-looking image of human dignity in The Fountainhead, even though I disagree with it in some sense. I want to try to be the best I can, to manifest some of the potential I always felt I had and to prove with physical proofs that I have what it takes to produce something beautiful. Be the man the boy wanted to be.

Pleasure regrettably alloyed with the knowledge that this is nothing but perfect selfishness. Perfect self mastery would be getting a steady job, getting my teeth fixed, buying a car, building bridges with my mum. But those things require growing up, responsibility, discipline, control. I have taken the easy, cosy, safe route but made it seem otherwise. The confession feels almost as good as addressing the problem, and so I glibly confess, twice, and the problems remain.