Day 0309

Nothing is sufficient to quell my mind! Travelling, socialising, working, cooking, waiting, music, drawing, still I have clouds budding and bursting! Silent scream, anguish and the loneliness of being one of the few for whom the day-to-day palliatives of business and chatting and distracting are too weak to conquer the darkness without and the bleakness within.

Galling too to know the malaise is just a matter of chemistry and happenstance, that this maladaptive subroutine in my brain could just as easily not exist and I could content myself with football scores and certainty. Instead, a tangled and infinite mass of options, thoughts and counter-thoughts, base impulses and contradictory desires.