Day 0380

Finished Dead Souls whilst painting today, which took too much of a sententious turn for my complete satisfaction. The romanticism that would have made Turgenev's nihilists ill. Nice to see a specific attention to the reality of country life though, with a convincing distribution of quail, osiers, flies, sparrows, pullets, mud, stinking puddles and towering fir trees.

Exhausted myself with the liking my painting one minute then returning to it later with fresh, critical eyes and seeing how firmly I am up against my lack of skill. It is horrendous, demoralising, bizarre. The worst thing is I can stop at any time and turn my attention to any one of the numerous diversions (reading, writing, travelling, TV, socialising) that would instantaneously make me feel good and forget about it all. What a horrid thing to pursue. Five hours of work absorbed into nothingness. Consciously following the wrong dream! Pathological!